In one of the public speaking classes I taught, the students were remarking on the prevalent use of speech fillers. They mentioned non-words such as “um,” “you know,” “like,” and “literally.” Once they became aware of the use, they began correcting themselves and others on this annoying little habit (that is remarkably easy to fix, but that’s covered in books I’ve already written).
On day two, I typically ask what they observed in their evening relative to the skills we’re discussing and practicing. One man said he called his girlfriend and noticed that she used a particular word in every sentence. He finally got the nerve to point it out. A large argument ensued, and he told us the relationship ended that night on the phone, instigated by an observation of a speaking tic. I initially felt bad, thinking I was somehow responsible for their demise. But my feelings quickly moved to pride, thinking that I had saved this couple from a horrible existence had they chosen to continue the relationship.
Good relationships can handle observations and discuss and power through them to a better future together.
Contrast that relationship-breaking observation to a woman in our class who “smacked.” She began every sentence by smacking her lips. She went home after day one and told her husband, who said, “I know. You’ve done that ever since I’ve known you.” She got mad and offended, wondering loudly (by her account), “Why didn’t you tell me?” His response should go in the lover’s Hall of Fame and be a lesson for all of us who aspire to love better: “Why should I? It’s part of the woman I fell in love with.” That’s the affirmation someone who has just had a painful realization about herself needs.
I don’t know how the story ended or whether it was a good or bad ending, but when the student came back to me for a follow-up class, she burst through the door and exclaimed, “It’s gone!” When I asked what she was talking about, she said she had eliminated her smacking. I assume her husband was okay with that.
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